Gaga and Chromatica are helping me cope with Anxiety and DPDR

[Lava 3,201]

Lately, I've been struggling with seasonal affective disorder. I've always had anxiety which has fueled fear into basic thoughts such as existing, which caused me to have really bad depersonalization and derealization. 

But a lot of what I've learned is to stop fighting those thoughts and stop applying negative energy and fear to them, as this makes you want to fight them, which in turn causes you to hyperfixate on them and panic, and you keep reminding yourself of them. 

But Chromatica means so much to me, and a lot of what she says explicitly depicts exactly how I f***ing feel. It's incredible. And it helps knowing that my hero, this woman who is so strong and so resilient, has had these same emotions but made them into something physical and something good/productive. 

Some of the lyrics I really relate to or feel comforted by (including HMH). They describe perfectly the pain and fear of anxiety and DPDR, and the fear of them lingering forever. But also, the emotions of acceptance and healing; and moving forward without worry in life:

ACT I - Spiraling out of control
1. Alice - "Could you pull me out of this alive? Wheres my body? I'm stuck in my mind." / "Think I might have just left myself behind." / "Take me on a journey to free my mind."

2. Stupid Love - "Gotta quit this crying. Nobodys gonna heal me if I don't open the door. Kinda hard to believe, gotta have faith in me."

3. Rain on Me - "I never asked for the rainfall." / "its comin' down on me, water like misery." / "I'd rather be dry but at least I'm alive. Rain on me!" / "I'm about to fly."

4. Free Woman - "I say that I want it want it, (be free), don't fight it fight it." /  "I'm still something without a steady hand, I'm not nothing unless I know I can. I'm still something if I don't got a man, I'm a free woman." / "Be free." / "This is my dancefloor I fought for." 

5. Fun Tonight - "Feelin' something that I can't explain." / "I'd do anything to numb the flame, I guess I'm just on fire these days. I can't see straight, I can't see me, there's too much hurt caught in between. Wish I could be what I know I am, this moment's hijacked my plans." / "I feel like I'm in a prison hell, stick my hands through the steel bars and yell. What happens now? I'm not OK." / "I've had enough."

 

ACT II - panic, anxiety, fear, psychosis

6. 911 - "I have heard of enough of these voices, almost like I have no choice. This is biological stasis, my mood shifting to manic places." / "here I go again." / "I can't see me cry, this is the end." / "My biggest enemy is me, pop a 911." / "My biggest enemy is me ever since day 1. Pop a 911, then pop another one." / "Holdin' on so tight to this status, its not real, but I'll try to grab it, keep myself in beautiful places, paradise is in my hands." 

 

The video is also very symbolic and shows how the brain and anxiety create real sensations and magnifies them into something fantastical:

https://youtu.be/58hoktsqk_Q

7. Plastic Doll - "I've spent too long dancin' all alone, dancin' to the same song." / "Don't play with me, it just hurts me. I'm bouncin' off the walls! no no no, I'm not your plastic doll."

8. Sour Candy - "I might be messed up, but I know what's love." / "At least I'm not a fake." / "I'm sour candy, so sweet then I get a little angry." 

9. Enigma - "Open minded, I'm so blinded. Mystery man, woman, phantom." / "I'm so scared, but I'm standing here." / "Is what I am seeing real? or is it just a sight? is it all just virtual?" / "We could break all of the stigma." / "Can't stop staring, I'm so naked, wrapped in shadows, my heart races." / "is what I am hearing real or is it just a sound?" / "we could be anything you want." / "Did you hear what I said?" / "is it all in my head?" 

10. Replay (my favorite) - "Am I still alive? Where am I, I cry. Who was it that pulled the trigger? was it you or I?" / "I'm completely numb, why you actin' dumb? I won't blame myself 'cause we both know you were the one." / "I don't know what to do, you don't know what to say. The scars on my mind are on replay. The monster inside you is torturing me." / "Every single day, yeah, I dig a grave, then I sit inside it wondering if I'll behave. Its a game I play, and I hate to say, you're the worst thing and the best thing that's happened to me." / "psychologically it's something that I can't explain, Scratch my nails into the dirt to pull me out OK." / "Does it matter? Damage is done." 

 

ACT III - Acceptance and Healing

11. Sine from Above - "I found myself without a prayer." / "I looked with my face up to the sky but I saw nothing there. Yeah, I stared." / "I heard one sine from above." / "then the signal split in two, the sound created stars like me and you." / "I heard one sine, and it healed my heart." / "not a day went by without a struggle." / "I lost myself under the lights." 

12. 1000 Doves (gives me goosebumps, faces truth directly). - "I need you to listen to me, please believe me, I'm completely lonely, please don't judge me." / "I need you to listen to me, please don't leave me, I'm not perfect yet, but I'll keep trying." / "'Cause inside, we are really made the same. In life, waiting's just a stupid game." / "Lift me up, give me a start, 'cause I've been flyin' with some broken arms." / "Life me up, just a small nudge, and I'll be flyin' like a thousand doves." / "I'd do anything for you to really see me, I am human invisibly bleeding." / "I cry more than I ever say." / "I've been hurting, stuck inside a cage, so hard my heart's been in a rage. If you love me, then just set me free, and if you don't, then baby leave." 

13. Babylon (ultimate acceptance and healing, moving forward without caring anymore). - "It's the thing that you bring; him, you and me." / "That's gossip." / "Strut it out, walk a mile, serve it ancient city style." / "Talk it out. Babble on. Battle for your life, Babylon." / "we are climbing up to heaven." 

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Hold My Hand - "Hold my hand. everything will be ok." / "I won't let go 'til the end." / "Don't you let go of my hand. You can cry every last tear, I won't leave 'til I understand. Promise me, just hold my hand." / "raise your head, look into my wishful eyes. That fear that's inside you will life, give it time." / "I can see everything you're blind to now, your prayers will be answered." / "I know you're scared and your pain is imperfect, but don't you give up on yourself. I heard a story, a girl, she once told me that I would be happy again." 

[Anderson123 36,039]

I love this album so much. The right Gaga album at the right time.

[ARTPOPSTER 4,246]

I've struggled with DPDR hardcore, so I know how you feel. Funnily enough, when my DPDR was at itsworst, Chromatica had just come out and helped me a lot through it. Even got a tattoo based on "paradise is in my hands" to remind me sometimes. 

If you ever need someone to talk to about it I'm always here 

[Lava 3,201]

48 minutes ago, ARTPOPSTER said:

I've struggled with DPDR hardcore, so I know how you feel. Funnily enough, when my DPDR was at itsworst, Chromatica had just come out and helped me a lot through it. Even got a tattoo based on "paradise is in my hands" to remind me sometimes. 

If you ever need someone to talk to about it I'm always here 

Thanks sm!! <33 I actually have the "Chromatica" text tattooed on my inner bicep!