Gaga wrote a letter about her experience with PTSD

[Eighteen 5,430]

i had PTSD when my mother got really sick. it feels horrible. i personally didn't tell anyone until a year or so later when i felt better. 

[Katie14 4,828]

@Jade Craven @salad

What does dissociation feel like if you don't mind me asking? I just can't imagine it. Do you lose memory of what happened and how much time has past when you dissociate?

[MonsterMum 2,532]

42 minutes ago, Katie14 said:

@Jade Craven @salad

What does dissociation feel like if you don't mind me asking? I just can't imagine it. Do you lose memory of what happened and how much time has past when you dissociate?

If I'm allowed to answer that I can tell you how it was/is for me.

It's like you know what is happening or has happened, you know you were/are there, that is registered but that's it. 

Nothing else is registered, you ignore the pain, the feelings you get or have like. You create a 2nd state of being, you try to detach yourself from it. 

It's just registered as a fact. The stuffing away those emotions is what create often the problems. . I mean...they don't just disappear, but there is a lid pushed on and the dissociation makes you being able to cope at that moment and cope later on to not allow those feelings affect you consciously but subconsciously they do, you just don't realise it. This is different from like being psychotic where you lose sense of reality. For us...we know the reality but we just put it into another entity beside us, consciously.

I hope this made a bit sense? Please note also: this is my experience, others may have it differently.   

[SilkSpectre0 547]

4 hours ago, Jade Craven said:

Heck yeah. And for my, hyperarousal used to lead to dissociation. I'd had depersonalization and derealization and it would be scary, and make the anxiety itself worse. I'm guessing she tried to simplify topics that most people don't know about to make it easier to share the message

Same here. It's a very complex thing to understand if you've never experienced it, particularly as there is no one experience of PTSD, it can vary so much, that it seemed she was just trying to educate in general. 

[SilkSpectre0 547]

2 hours ago, Katie14 said:

@Jade Craven @salad

What does dissociation feel like if you don't mind me asking? I just can't imagine it. Do you lose memory of what happened and how much time has past when you dissociate?

Because dissociation can occur in more than one mental illness there isn't one set experience. It can be different for different people and different for different experiences. There are some traumas that have caused me to experience depersonalisation and numbers and others that have led to amnesia. 

[Katie14 4,828]

1 hour ago, MonsterMum said:

If I'm allowed to answer that I can tell you how it was/is for me.

It's like you know what is happening or has happened, you know you were/are there, that is registered but that's it. 

Nothing else is registered, you ignore the pain, the feelings you get or have like. You create a 2nd state of being, you try to detach yourself from it. 

It's just registered as a fact. The stuffing away those emotions is what create often the problems. . I mean...they don't just disappear, but there is a lid pushed on and the dissociation makes you being able to cope at that moment and cope later on to not allow those feelings affect you consciously but subconsciously they do, you just don't realise it. This is different from like being psychotic where you lose sense of reality. For us...we know the reality but we just put it into another entity beside us, consciously.

I hope this made a bit sense? Please note also: this is my experience, others may have it differently.   

Thank you for sharing your experiences. It sounds like a really scary thing to deal with. When dissociation happens, how long are you in that state? 

[NickiMinajStan 6,888]

Self awareness is the first step. 

After that, it takes strenght, patience, and hard work to recover, but everyone can get there, if they want. 

When it comes to mental health, full, absolute recovery is rarely possible, but a better life is completely at everyone's reach. And everyone deserves a better life. 

Glad to see she's working on it. 

If you know there's something wrong with you, seek help. If you find no help, then help yourself. 

It gets better, and it's worth it. 

There's a song I like, which deals with trauma and mental health issues, called "One Foot In Front Of The Other". It's a very special song, I always get emotional when I listen to it because it truly is like that. 

All it takes, is one foot in front of the other. The road ahead might be long, maybe as long as the rest of your life, but you gotta start somewhere. And you gotta give those first steps, to move on. 

And at some point, it gets easier to walk. And at some point, you'll enjoy the ride. 

I just want all of you who struggle to know: I won't say "you're not alone", because that's not true. You are alone with your thoughts, and you will be alone with your memories. But you can make it. 

You have no idea how dark of a path I went through, and how lonely it was. 

But I made it. And you can make it too. 

Take care y'all, love, love, love 💙  

[TommyJade 29]

As others have said, it is different for each person and each mental illness. Mine were the worst when I was on the incorrect medication or, most recently, when my current meds stopped working.

This is from Calm Clinic: 

"In cases of severe anxiety, a person may feel as though they're going crazy. They may feel as though something is off in reality and the world around them is essentially crashing. In some cases, this may cause the world to feel "unreal," as though something is off in the world around them.

This is known as derealization, and it's a frightening anxiety symptom. It's also completely subjective, making the experience sometimes very difficult to understand unless you've been through it"

I'd be walking down the street and feel it set in. I guess the best way to describe it is wearing virtual reality glasses, it feels very not real.

The dissociation that I think Gaga is talking about is the type I'd refer to as black outs. I guess the best way to describe it, according it https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/conditionsandtreatments/dissociation-and-dissociative-disorders, is patchy amnesia. I'd feel like I'd be losing conciousness and then get it back later, feeling disorientated. It mostly happened at home, thankfully. It's hard to remember exactly what this one felt like because I only got it when at my sickest, about 7 years ago. That was also the time when I heard voices due to the severity of anxiety.

When I dissociated, it can last minutes or hours. The doctor recommended breathing (to deal with the anxiety, which often triggered it) and grounding exercises. It's incredibly disorientating and not something a lot of people know about. 

~ 

I sympathize with her other symptoms too. Sometimes when people touch me it makes me arms tingle and I want to physically lash out at them. So proud of what she's accomplishing right now if she's currently experiencing those symptoms. It's hard enough when it's just 'normal' worrying and exhaustion, which is what it is like now I'm on my new meds.

hope this helps, and sorry for any confuson

[Judas Oyster 1,914]

Wow. I'm shocked at how fücking honest her words are.

Tbh, I also have mental pain and while I've always believed I have a mix of depression and social anxiety. Been to a psychologist for several years without getting better. I can relate to the words she writes. I also have some reasons to perhaps have PTSD too, so I'm very motivated now to seek help again. I find it so difficult to get help tho'. Psychologists are so fücking expensive here, and I can get a public one but waiting lists are long as hell here (at least 3 months) unless you are suicidal.

I'm glad she's shared this. It feels good to let go and be free. And btw, reading this and how she's been in the last two years it's ironic to think about how she was a "free b*tch" during BTW but actually I think she's way more free now than ever in her life, both artistically and mentally.

[Judas Oyster 1,914]

Ugh, but I don't want medication tbh. It feels wrong. I understand why people take it but I wish there was a way without it. 

[TommyJade 29]

10 minutes ago, Judas Oyster said:

Ugh, but I don't want medication tbh. It feels wrong. I understand why people take it but I wish there was a way without it. 

I understand what that is like all too well. I never liked the idea of medication and it took a couple of goes to find the right brand that worked. One even made me worse.

Finding the right type (for me it's SNRI's) helped so much. It took the edge of the symptoms and gave me my brain back. My last brand of meds stopped working three months ago and I could barely function. My memory was shocking, I couldn't put thoughts together. Exhausted all the time and couldn't manage my emotions. Now I have multiple health professionals telling me to slow down as I'm so motivated to get better I'm pushing myself too hard.

I'm not saying to go on medication as that is an intensely personal decision and side effects can be a b-word. Just that the right one can give you the tools to manage some of the symptoms and thoughts.

(Now I'm in the process of finding the right medication for migraines. And I don't want to - but other techniques haven't helped so far. So I totally get it.)

[Judas Oyster 1,914]

1 hour ago, TommyJade said:

I understand what that is like all too well. I never liked the idea of medication and it took a couple of goes to find the right brand that worked. One even made me worse.

Finding the right type (for me it's SNRI's) helped so much. It took the edge of the symptoms and gave me my brain back. My last brand of meds stopped working three months ago and I could barely function. My memory was shocking, I couldn't put thoughts together. Exhausted all the time and couldn't manage my emotions. Now I have multiple health professionals telling me to slow down as I'm so motivated to get better I'm pushing myself too hard.

I'm not saying to go on medication as that is an intensely personal decision and side effects can be a b-word. Just that the right one can give you the tools to manage some of the symptoms and thoughts.

(Now I'm in the process of finding the right medication for migraines. And I don't want to - but other techniques haven't helped so far. So I totally get it.)

That's wonderful to hear that they work on you and that it has good effects  Crossing my fingers so that you eventually will manage without them too. One step at a time

Yeah thanks for understanding. We've known Gaga has been taking prescription drugs to help her mental health, but I thought she didn't do it anymore so it's kinda depressing to know she still does. I mean, it's good for her I guess but it's many steps back for people thinking they are gonna get better (like me). Yeah sure she's feeling better now but... drugs.

When you were off your medicine, did it feel worse than before you started? I mean, if somebody needs to find the right medicine it doesn't sound that bad when you are already in need for it. But if it gets worse then that's a risky thing, but nevertheless worth it I guess.

[TommyJade 29]

41 minutes ago, Judas Oyster said:

That's wonderful to hear that they work on you and that it has good effects  Crossing my fingers so that you eventually will manage without them too. One step at a time

Yeah thanks for understanding. We've known Gaga has been taking prescription drugs to help her mental health, but I thought she didn't do it anymore so it's kinda depressing to know she still does. I mean, it's good for her I guess but it's many steps back for people thinking they are gonna get better (like me). Yeah sure she's feeling better now but... drugs.

When you were off your medicine, did it feel worse than before you started? I mean, if somebody needs to find the right medicine it doesn't sound that bad when you are already in need for it. But if it gets worse then that's a risky thing, but nevertheless worth it I guess.

I was much, much worse. There was suicidal ideation and thoughts of self harm, which is disturbing. I'd lose feeling in my arm. Dissociation, which gaga mentioned. I felt I was disconnecting from reality, although it wasn't as severe as the first time. This was just from generalized anxiety disorder. 

I could barely function. Housework would barely get done, showering was an effort. I'd cry from being overwhelmed so much. 

Compared that to now, where I'm doing so well that all my doctor/psych tell me to slow down and not push myself so hard  I can't help it, I'm naturally ambitious. If it's impairing with your life a lot, the right meds can make a huge difference. I'll probably never go off them, and I'm at peace with that.

For some people, drugs aren't a step back. They aren't numbing your emotions or anything like that. They regulate the parts of your brain that are in overdrive and help you get back to your brain working normally. I believe that my medication gave me my brain back. 

For context, a lot of the health professionals I see comment about how self aware I am and how hard I work. For Gaga, I don't think effort alone can help. Sometimes you need the medication so your brain works well enough to do the techniques a doctor or psychologist recommends. It was in my case.

This isn't a criticism as I'm very anti drugs, but getting that sick changes your viewpoint. And I sympathize with Gaga so much. Anyway... that's my essay for the day.

[salad 62]

17 hours ago, Katie14 said:

@Jade Craven @salad

What does dissociation feel like if you don't mind me asking? I just can't imagine it. Do you lose memory of what happened and how much time has past when you dissociate?

it's kind of fuzzy to explain so i'll try and put it in like a process format

edit- this ended up being really long since i've never really been asked about it so i tried to be as descriptive as i could but also trying to be coherent & i'll put it in a spoiler so it's not so long on the page

Spoiler

an everyday, relatively mild but still damaging kinda episode usually goes

1) something has triggered me. personally this is most often being at school (judgment on my abilities, feeling stupid, feeling like a loser,etc), used to be being at work too until i lost my job, and also at home where any little thing can set off an argument and people fighting makes me shut down super fast. other times it's just from being too damn depressed. 

2) unless i'm actively kept busy in something, like my friends trying to make conversation with me and trying to prevent it from happening, it develops sort of like a heightened "spacing out", which I'm sure everyone has experienced. but like really intense

3) this whole part appears to be like a dead kind of absent appearance from the outside but really my mind is doing the most and has everything I'm thinking amped up all the way. like a million thoughts of what I'm supposed to be doing and why can't i do it and this is whats going to happen (like catastrophic thinking) and i can't move or talk and someone is trying to talk to me and ask me whats wrong and theres nothing i can do. this usually happens during class or in a car ride and i have a generally accurate sense of time. also during conversations with friends where i can be there but have no recollection of what they were talking about. in general after it wears off i just feel down, and like I've been wasting my life and my desire to take care of myself plummets, when in actuality it is so hard to control and i should not be having self-depreciating thoughts. i constantly need to remind myself it is not my fault and that I'm trying

there's varying degrees of 3 that occur in different situations but it depends on my environment. it can be anywhere from the lightest being a very involved daydream to one of the worst which i'll describe as well as i remember it.

i was at a music camp for my school, in a sectional that was supposed to run from 5pm-9pm. only 15 minutes i started tripping up on one part of the music, which was super easy. everyone was kinda like "what are you doing, you can literally do this, what is wrong with you" but in a harmless joking sort of way. i tried laughing it off but at some point i just sat down and did not get back up. the number of thoughts i had is indescribable and i could not move. it really is a separation from your mind and your body..  i could see and hear everyone and sense everything but i completely froze and i couldn't speak. the 5 people i was with just let me be until the rest of my section and the instructor came in and everyone was kinda spooked and i was removed from the room and sat with some chaperone moms (i'm a senior in high school so theres chaperones n stuff) for the rest of the night. in this episode i had no sense of time whatsoever and apparently had been sitting there frozen for 2 and a half hours before i was removed, and another hour on a chair outside. i knew everything happening around me but i was paralyzed. i couldn't tell you how long it felt because it just felt like everything occurring with no sense of time. like my brain just removed time from everything. at some point when it ended it induced an anxiety attack lasting from the end of that night into lunch the next day, just crying and shaking and paranoid and panicking. (this severe kind has occurred a few times since july when this happened, but i have the most vivid memory of this one)

if anyone has ever fainted or knows what the blackout challenge is, i find the lack of time can be likened to that sensation.

the whole memory thing is kinda confusing in more severe episodes, because i know something happened, i just don't usually remember what exactly. i know that i was aware of everything but i can't always remember specific details.

but if you meant memory as in the memory of the event triggering it, i think my brain tries to repress it but it never works. its just a big useless cycle that doesn't make any progress

when it happens it is not always in the moment of something particularly traumatizing. usually something triggers the feeling of the event and my brain refuses it, causing the dissociation. i feel it should also be mentioned that i can't recall any few specific events causing this, just a culmination of, as her psychotherapist put it, "trauma occurring in an environment where your feelings and emotional experience are not valued, heard and understood"

these occur alongside my depression and anxiety I've been living with for 6 years amongst other things. I've never been on medication and there's really no other options left, but my parents are really opposed to it and I'm scared of it myself. obviously my experience won't be the same as everyone else & I'm not saying this is the way it happens for everyone or for u or for gaga just speaking for myself. 

 

[Katie14 4,828]

31 minutes ago, salad said:

it's kind of fuzzy to explain so i'll try and put it in like a process format

edit- this ended up being really long since i've never really been asked about it so i tried to be as descriptive as i could but also trying to be coherent & i'll put it in a spoiler so it's not so long on the page

  Hide contents

an everyday, relatively mild but still damaging kinda episode usually goes

1) something has triggered me. personally this is most often being at school (judgment on my abilities, feeling stupid, feeling like a loser,etc), used to be being at work too until i lost my job, and also at home where any little thing can set off an argument and people fighting makes me shut down super fast. other times it's just from being too damn depressed. 

2) unless i'm actively kept busy in something, like my friends trying to make conversation with me and trying to prevent it from happening, it develops sort of like a heightened "spacing out", which I'm sure everyone has experienced. but like really intense

3) this whole part appears to be like a dead kind of absent appearance from the outside but really my mind is doing the most and has everything I'm thinking amped up all the way. like a million thoughts of what I'm supposed to be doing and why can't i do it and this is whats going to happen (like catastrophic thinking) and i can't move or talk and someone is trying to talk to me and ask me whats wrong and theres nothing i can do. this usually happens during class or in a car ride and i have a generally accurate sense of time. also during conversations with friends where i can be there but have no recollection of what they were talking about. in general after it wears off i just feel down, and like I've been wasting my life and my desire to take care of myself plummets, when in actuality it is so hard to control and i should not be having self-depreciating thoughts. i constantly need to remind myself it is not my fault and that I'm trying

there's varying degrees of 3 that occur in different situations but it depends on my environment. it can be anywhere from the lightest being a very involved daydream to one of the worst which i'll describe as well as i remember it.

i was at a music camp for my school, in a sectional that was supposed to run from 5pm-9pm. only 15 minutes i started tripping up on one part of the music, which was super easy. everyone was kinda like "what are you doing, you can literally do this, what is wrong with you" but in a harmless joking sort of way. i tried laughing it off but at some point i just sat down and did not get back up. the number of thoughts i had is indescribable and i could not move. it really is a separation from your mind and your body..  i could see and hear everyone and sense everything but i completely froze and i couldn't speak. the 5 people i was with just let me be until the rest of my section and the instructor came in and everyone was kinda spooked and i was removed from the room and sat with some chaperone moms (i'm a senior in high school so theres chaperones n stuff) for the rest of the night. in this episode i had no sense of time whatsoever and apparently had been sitting there frozen for 2 and a half hours before i was removed, and another hour on a chair outside. i knew everything happening around me but i was paralyzed. i couldn't tell you how long it felt because it just felt like everything occurring with no sense of time. like my brain just removed time from everything. at some point when it ended it induced an anxiety attack lasting from the end of that night into lunch the next day, just crying and shaking and paranoid and panicking. (this severe kind has occurred a few times since july when this happened, but i have the most vivid memory of this one)

if anyone has ever fainted or knows what the blackout challenge is, i find the lack of time can be likened to that sensation.

the whole memory thing is kinda confusing in more severe episodes, because i know something happened, i just don't usually remember what exactly. i know that i was aware of everything but i can't always remember specific details.

but if you meant memory as in the memory of the event triggering it, i think my brain tries to repress it but it never works. its just a big useless cycle that doesn't make any progress

when it happens it is not always in the moment of something particularly traumatizing. usually something triggers the feeling of the event and my brain refuses it, causing the dissociation. i feel it should also be mentioned that i can't recall any few specific events causing this, just a culmination of, as her psychotherapist put it, "trauma occurring in an environment where your feelings and emotional experience are not valued, heard and understood"

these occur alongside my depression and anxiety I've been living with for 6 years amongst other things. I've never been on medication and there's really no other options left, but my parents are really opposed to it and I'm scared of it myself. obviously my experience won't be the same as everyone else & I'm not saying this is the way it happens for everyone or for u or for gaga just speaking for myself. 

 

Wow. That sounds extremely intense. Thank you for sharing. I am kind of confused though because I though dissociation was a more relaxed state that gets triggered from being over stimulated or reminded of a traumatizing event. Also, were you scared during the dissociation period?