Chromatica: Reviews Thread

[MonsterVlad 1,777]

Wow, Variety... We have to stan! 

Edit: oops, sorry for double post

[Enzo 37,977]

Slant review out already I C 

What a surprise

[Guest]

11 minutes ago, rxdnbn said:

He's a Madonna stan 

Should be illegal for stans to write reviews outside of their livejournals.

[Enzo 37,977]

Variety

[Bjaf 1,336]

96 holy f***.  Joanne's highest score was 83 lol

[gagaxsebert 5,804]

40 minutes ago, jacs vs looser said:

I'm guessing this and pitchfork will be the lowest ones. Who's the one that gave born this way a 0?

BTW GOT A 0? Wtf 

[Rio 5,088]

2 minutes ago, Bjaf said:

96 holy f***.  Joanne's highest score was 83 lol

We’ll see where it ends by end of the week lol... they’re always high at first

[shame 25,360]

Can the basement that they run Sl*nt out of just collapse already

[Queen Bitch 10,513]

"Every Song on Lady Gaga’s Chromatica, Rated in Comparison to A Star Is Born’s Butt Song"
 

“Rain on Me”

Without Ariana Grande, I’m not sure this song would count as good. A shopworn metaphor about rain and tears (and, Gaga’s mentioned, booze) is utterly elevated when the vocal lightning kicks in, and soon even the backing tracks seem to be losing it in excitement. A cross-generational time-slip that feels both older and newer than it is and instantly indelible—underlined by its simultaneously obvious and emotional and ecstatic video by veteran filmmaker Robert Rodriguez.

9/10 butts
 

“Plastic Doll”

Well, sigh. Skrillex and BloodPop, Gaga’s co-producers here, seem to have decided this album needed a song that would have been a Katy Perry reject in 2012, using the most clichéd trope they could find, the woman as Barbie. One point for the lines, “Who’s that girl, Malibu Gaga?/ Looks so sad, what is this saga?” Otherwise the album’s second-least-redemptive moment.

2/10 butts
 

“Sour Candy”

With arguably the biggest K-pop group of the moment (and therefore arguably the biggest group in the world), Blackpink, this is more a great cultural event than a great song. Gaga doesn’t sound that invested in what she’s singing, but Blackpink’s Rosé and friends are giving it their all. Released just a day before Chromatica, “Sour Candy” will be huge and I’m into that. It does a lot less for the album as such.

6.5/10 butts
 

“Enigma”

This is the most Gaga-does-Gaga song, and I suspect one of the earliest-composed, given that Enigma was also the name of the Las Vegas residency she started in 2018. It probably sounded great in the show. Here it feels like a commercial.

4/10 butts
 

“1000 Doves”

This song is perhaps as sincere as the previous song, but it doesn’t have Elton John, and its sincerity feels so much more aggressively “we’re almost at the end of the album.” There is a really unbearable level of reverb. And one or two doves really would suffice.

-1 butts
 

“Babylon”

There’s so much wrong here. The pun of “babble on” and “Babylon,” as used by a million hack poets and songwriters before her. The most uninspired Madge rip-off moment of the whole record, a hard-voiced recitative that sounds exactly like the famous “Vogue” rap. There is what I guess might be a Prince tribute in the line “We can party like it’s B.C.,” which I might not have heard the same way had there not been a “doves” song before it. But it’s so kooky and obliviously tasteless and self-affirming, all in that quintessentially Gaga fashion (it’s mostly a song against gossip, which is an ancient tradition), that … I like it.

7/10 butts

https://slate.com/culture/2020/05/lady-gaga-chromatica-review-butt-song.html

I hope this is a joke

It's probably important for me to note that it's not a 100% negative review. But that doesn't take away from the fact that it's a bad attempt at being funny, rating the song on a scale of butts is middle-school humor and some of the points made are offensively stupid. That's why I call it terrible

[basedgod 222]

Just now, HighRoad said:

BTW GOT A 0? Wtf 

The 0 was a positive review actually but it negatively affected the meta critic score 

[gagaxsebert 5,804]

We have to stan Variety! I mean the flavour *chef’s kiss*
 

As for Sal..... he can choke 

[HEARTSTOP 3,137]

GOOD SIS VARIETY COMING THROUGH 

[Haldy 1,258]

1 minute ago, HighRoad said:

BTW GOT A 0? Wtf 

You think that's bad? It was a positive review as well, but they gave it a 0 because 'this 0 represents the giant bedazzled orifice that Gaga will birth a new wave of pop music' or some nonsense. So they tanked her review average for a ****ing pun, even though they liked the album!

[Bjaf 1,336]

3 minutes ago, Rio said:

We’ll see where it ends by end of the week lol... they’re always high at first

I agree, but I'm just saying it's still impressive to see a 96 in there when considering reviews for her past albums.

[LibraOctober98 3,495]

Carl Wilson...