Consequence posts obliterating review of Justin Timberlake’s new single

[BUtterfield 8 40,963]

Headline: Justin Timberlake’s New Song “Selfish” Is the Latest Turd in a Ten-Year Run of Shitty Music: Review

Another Timberlake comeback, another snoozer

Justin Timberlake has always kind of sucked, at least on a personal level, and his new song, “Selfish,” is just the latest turd to be floated across the surface of his long-stagnant career. It’s not just sanitized, Bieberized, blue-eyed R&B; it’s treacly schlock.

The lyrics are cliche heaped upon cliche, and he doesn’t bring even a whiff of sex, though you may still pick up the odor of  bullshit. “Your lips were made for mine,” he sings, and while his heart may be “beatin’ for you all the time,” my stomach was “throwing up into my mouth.” And lest you think that he’s kept up with modern technology, the line, “Every time the phone rings, I hope that it’s you” feels like a time capsule from the days before the vibrate setting and Caller ID — the last era when Timberlake was relevant. “Selfish” isn’t even bad enough to be interesting, and it’s certainly not ambitious; it’s like he was aiming squarely for mediocre and still came up short.

The thing is, this is not a surprising development. Man of the Woods sucked in 2018, and as much as we wanted to like “Suit & Tie,” both parts of 2012’s The 20/20 Experience sucked as well. The only reasons that Timberlake matters more than other washed teen idols are two solo albums that seem more and more improbable with each passing year.

Timberlake can’t project manage, and he doesn’t have Beyoncé’s ear for beats or Taylor Swift’s feel for lyrics.

Still, for a guy like this — handsome, white, a tremendous dancer, and willing to play dirty — his solo run has been surprisingly boring. Time and again over the last ten years, he has gone into the studio with the most accomplished hitmakers in the world, only to produce a tune about as lively as a dead house plant.

Those albums would be classics no matter who sang them. But because it was this guy, we seem to be stuck with him.

Source

Edited January 26, 2024 by BUtterfield 8

[Maxine Puth 9,053]

I hope they’re not this brutal with Heart of Charcoal 

[emili0 1,362]

Damn….this sounds like a ridiculously bitter review 💀 like…it’s a song 

 

I enjoyed it - it’s for sure safe and familiar, but I think it’s executed well, which made for an enjoyable listen. Definitely got the Bieber vibes, but when it hits it hits 

[Bling 31,199]

30 minutes ago, BUtterfield 8 said:

“Every time the phone rings, I hope that it’s you” feels like a time capsule from the days before the vibrate setting and Caller ID — the last era when Timberlake was relevant.

[LaFama 4,363]

Damn someone was pissed 😭 we lost Pitchfork but we're left with the real demon 

[Edonis 28,794]

Oh it's bad for Justin 

Edited January 26, 2024 by Edonis

[Roughhouse Dandy 8,817]

[Starmie25 13,955]

This doesn't sound biased at all /s 

[StarstruckIllusion 49,987]

Not saying I disagree, but is CoS the new Pitchfork in terms of obnoxious “professional” music review sites stan’s are gonna start worship?? Tragic… stand up… STAND UP.

[RAMROD 104,903]

Just now, StarstruckIllusion said:

Not saying I disagree, but is CoS the new Pitchfork in terms of obnoxious “professional” music review sites stan’s are gonna start worship?? Tragic… stand up… STAND UP.

They're not new, they already exist before Pitchforks. They used to have radio shows too, they're mainly delved in club music, -and many DJs that CoS approved are usually becomes huge. 

[HIM820 1,770]

His last album had vocal production that sounded nothing like him. This does, so at least that part is a step above. Now it’s still boring and feels like a Bieber reject but he’s at least not afraid to sound like a male popstar here. Denying that the last time made him sound ridiculous. 

[hELXIG 41,865]

Some of his older songs 10-15 years ago were actually decent, but I feel he has always leaned on his sexuality to keep him popular. Now that he's getting older unfortunately that isn't working for him anymore 

[John Wayne 4,394]

kinda unprofessional tbh

[ALGAYDO 30,328]

We love to see it! Stream Britney’s “Selfish” 

[Killa 15,839]

I knew critics would be harsh. They just found the new beaten horse to torture. 

The already stangnant career afloot ecc brought the always painful memory that dwells in my mind of gaga in ARTPOP. floating but not dead or something