CEREMONY | The Madonna L-Rate

[Cruelty 6,172]

Let’s go dancing
No more crying, no more yelling
No more waiting, no more fighting
—‘Funana’ (2019)

Welcome to the Madonna L-Rate ceremony!

Frankly, Madonna’s discography is too big for its own good. After four decades in the music business, her catalogue is groaning under the weight of over 225 released songs. How do you even begin to sort the good from the bad? How do you slice off a piece of that gargantuan discography to examine under the microscope? Well, obviously you just pick all the ones that begin with the letter L.

For the past fortnight, you’ve been rating a complete unique collection of Madonna songs. Divorced from the cosy surroundings of their parent albums, 17 songs have been battling to be crowned Gagadaily’s Favourite Madonna L-Song. 11 of Madonna’s 14 studio albums have come to play, bringing four lead singles and plenty of album openers and closers. Clearly Madonna’s best L-song is “Levitating (Blessed Madonna Remix ft. Madonna & Missy Elliott)”, but that feels a little unfair, so we’re only rating the L-songs from Madonna’s studio albums (plus ‘The Look of Love’, because y’all have been sleeping on it). Here’s your reminder of the competitors:

We’ll be counting down the 17 songs over the course of around 90 minutes, maybe longer. I’ve done writeups for each elimination, with some information about the song and a roundup of your (excellent) comments, and along the way we’ll find out how these songs connect to Madonna’s life and her wider career. (Disclaimer: I was quite drunk when I wrote the elimination posts. And I’ll set my stall out at the door, so you know what perspective these writeups are coming from: my Madonna stan card originates from almost exactly the moment when she was temporarily defeated by a staircase in 2015 [more on that later]. God Control is Madonna’s best song in 30 years. The title track of American Life is great (BITE me). And Madonna is the greatest popstar to ever walk the earth).

The ceremony starts in about an hour – midday PT / 3PM EST / 8PM UK. Whilst you’re waiting for me to get my act together, sit back & relax with this tailormade preshow playlist. No L-songs, and I promise everything here is a certified bop (oh, and Give Me All Your Luvin’ is also there, for reasons that will become clear later):

 

So. Get your leotard on, crank up the boombox, and I’ll see you in an hour…

Spoiler

@Lucas @androiduser @No Way Home @lasagna @RAMROD @Ronk @Charmz @Reject False Icons @danbekim @GaGaLB @Thoth @Frank Potion @proxy @DrewPa @Blown Away @Madame Goo Goo @nickkoko @EdX @Duella DeVil @Crescent Bloom @Chesescake @Cupid Boy @monstertoronto @ssslyboy @MonsterOfSpain @sillynate @whoresup @Anderson123 @memomemome @BBhomemaker @rayofgod @CyberRaga @LDGA

 

[Ronk 14,762]

I'm here.

[Celloo Deng 54,970]

I'm not familiar enough with Madge's deep cuts to have participated in the voting but I will be here to observe and learn!

[Ronk 14,762]

5 minutes ago, Cello said:

I'm not familiar enough with Madge's deep cuts to have participated in the voting but I will be here to observe and learn!

Try the pre-show playlist posted in the op.

[ssslyboy 3,273]

Yaaaaas. I got gonna miss the ceremony though cause busy for next few hours. But I will check back later for the results  Like a Prayer better be number 1 

[Lucas 26,836]

I'm here, supporting Madonna's 2d best song Live To Tell 

[Chlorine 47,976]

I'm here!

[Ronk 14,762]

The songs in the pre-show playlist are bops.  Try this emotional ballad also.

 

[Cruelty 6,172]

This is your wake-up call
I'm like a nightmare,
I'm here to start your day
—'God Control' (2019)

This is your 10-minute warning! Take your places, the stage is set...

Spoiler

@Lucas @androiduser @No Way Home @lasagna @RAMROD @Ronk @Charmz @Reject False Icons @danbekim @GaGaLB @Thoth @Frank Potion @proxy @DrewPa @Blown Away @Madame Goo Goo @nickkoko @EdX @Duella DeVil @Crescent Bloom @Chesescake @Cupid Boy @monstertoronto @MonsterOfSpain @sillynate @whoresup @Anderson123 @memomemome @BBhomemaker @rayofgod @CyberRaga @LDGA @Cello

 

[Cruelty 6,172]

Let's forget your life,
Forget your problems,
Administration, bills, and loans.
Come with me...
—'Future Lovers' (2005)

Let's go.

[Cruelty 6,172]

17 LOVE MAKES THE WORLD GO ROUND – average 5.41

The highs: 10 x 3 [@Ronk @memomemome @Duella DeVil]
The lows: 1 x 5 [@androiduser @Charmz @danbekim @Thoth @rayofgod]

 

A rate that spans the entire length of Madonna’s career—from the opener of Madonna to the penultimate track on Madame X—is intended to reveal new connections between the songs. I want to pinpoint how moments in Madonna’s life inflect and develop her musicality, how songs from disparate albums and genres not only share themes, but actively inform each other. Just in these 17 songs, picked for something as random as their first letter, we can plot a timeline of an entire lifetime devoted to music. Love Makes the World Go Round has nothing to offer this timeline.

I gave it a 2, and that’s only because it sounds a little bit like Where’s The Party. Usually I’d try to rationalise lyrics this saccharine as… ironic? But with this song, I can’t even find the energy. It’s just a wholehearted but misguided attempt to fix the world’s problems through tHE PoWeR oF LoVe. This week of all weeks, it feels utterly pointless. I hope that something this sickly will never warm my cold, dead heart. And yet, it’s… quite catchy? Love Makes the World Go Round fits into that special breed of 80s songs where, about halfway through, they get bored of writing new lyrics and just repeat the first verse and make various sounds with their mouth until the backing track fades into oblivion, never again to be willingly played. I can only imagine there was a deadline and the entire thing was created, live, in one agonising take. I mean, these are the people who wrote LIKE A PRAYER!

Hang on. What’s this I’m reading? She performed this at LIVE AID? I'm sure Ethiopia was delighted with the message that love will solve everybody’s problems. And this was intended to be the LEAD SINGLE FROM TRUE BLUE? Okay, I need to stop researching this song, it’s not good for my health. And yet, as with almost every song in this rate, it got 1s and it got 10s, and I honestly think that that’s the power of Madonna — she really delivers something for everyone. @Ronk and @memomemome didn’t provide commentary, so we’ll never know exactly what combination of drugs led to them awarding this song a perfect 10.

Super Deluxe Edition bonus thought: whilst I'm doing these write-ups I play the song on a loop until I’m done; this means I have now listened to Love Makes the World Go Round 7 times in a row. This is more times than I’d hoped to listen to it in my entire life. By the end the only solution was to do another vodka shot each time we got back to the start. Pity me. Rescue me (I'm drowning! baby throw out your rope!)

Comments:

Spoiler

@Crescent Bloom Mama, this is filler. The chorus is giving 80s cruise ship to the Bahamas. It’s camp, but I tend to gravitate more towards Madonna’s more serious moments.
@nickkokoSuper fun 80s summer bop.

@Madame Goo Goo Underrated af and a fun closer to True Blue.

@Duella DeVilMy favourite true blue track

@Frank Potion Corny as hell!

@ssslyboy one of her cheesiest tracks (along with Jimmy Jimmy). Originally supposed to be the lead single for True Blue! What a different era it would’ve been.

@sillynate This one felt like if high school musical came out in the 80s

@CyberRaga This song reminds me of “Finding Dory”.

@Reject False Icons Kind of forgettable

@Blown Away It’s a nice little song, nothing special but very enjoyable.

@monstertoronto Such a fun upbeat song! And an amazing bridge!

@whoresup Very dated sounding and dull lyrics.

@danbekim *coughs*

 

[Chlorine 47,976]

3 minutes ago, NeonSkeleton said:

Let's forget your life,
Forget your problems,
Administration, bills, and loans.
Come with me...
—'Future Lovers' (2005)

Let's go.

Can't wait to see the lack of taste. 

[Ronk 14,762]

Terrible that one of my 10s is gone first.

[Chlorine 47,976]

2 minutes ago, NeonSkeleton said:

Just in these 17 songs, picked for something as random as their first letter, we can plot a timeline of an entire lifetime devoted to music. Love Makes the World Go Round has nothing to offer this timeline.

[Chlorine 47,976]

2 minutes ago, NeonSkeleton said:

@Frank Potion Corny as hell!

Oh god I forgot what I wrote.