PunkTheFunk 124,522 Posted January 4, 2018 Share Posted January 4, 2018 Gaga at 92: 'I'm Just Getting Started' By Punker T. Funkle, The Martian Times JUN. 14, 2078 As I was making my way down the winding path to Lady Gaga's sprawling summer villa, I could hear her singing. It didn't sound like her at first. Her voice was faint and birdlike—practically indistinct from the breeze rustling through the Japanese maples on her front yard. But as I approached the front steps I saw her, a small and unassuming figure, leaning back into a patio chair. "I'm a rich b!tch, I'm the upper class" she sang to herself, each phrase punctuated by a dry cough. "I'm the pearl to your oyster, I'm a babe." When she saw me her lips turned up into a warm smile, and she stood from the chair slowly, steadying herself with her solid gold cane. The early morning light glinted off her sunglasses. Her body was tiny and frail. No meat dress in sight: just a nanofabric Versace blazer as white as her hair, and a stylish black turtleneck underneath. Her nails were painted a sensible shade of pink. She leaned in to hug me and I told her my grandmother had been a huge fan of hers when she was a teenager. "It's so good to see you again," she said, squeezing my hand. I had never met her in my life. The 92-year-old Queen of Music led me into the villa—a place she spends most of her time when she's visiting the Red Planet. We took a seat in her solarium and her house robot, Ármann, brought us cups of tea and a platter of dainty cucumber sandwiches. A framed picture of her late-husband Christian Carino sat on the coffee table beside a vase of hydrangeas. She told me he would've been 157 this year, and that his body was cryogenically frozen after he passed away. His brain, however, was uploaded to the cloud. She chats with a holographic version of him regularly, which she jokingly refers to as her 'Born Again Christian.' "He keeps telling me he wants to get another tattoo of my face. I tell him 'don't be silly, darling, you don't have a body anymore.' And then I threaten to delete him from my cloud drive and make him spend eternity in my recycle bin. It's a lot of fun." Left: An archival photograph of Gaga in 2009. Right: Gaga attending Cher's 3000th birthday in 2076. For a few moments during our conversation, it slipped my mind that I was sitting just a few feet away from a living legend—a woman now 70 years into her career, whose accomplishments are so vast and diverse that a back cover blurb wouldn't even capture a fraction of it. Her EGOT and Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction are just the tip of the impacTberg. This is the same woman who was awarded the Nobel Prize in Medicine in 2037, after she accidentally discovered the cure for cancer while baking a cheesecake. The same woman who was nominated to the Supreme Court during the Kardashian Administration, but turned it down to star in the musical remake of Jurassic Park. The same woman whose impact on pop culture was so profound that a recording of a gay man screaming "Yaaaaaasss Gaga, Slay My Bussy Queen" was added to the National Recording Registry by the Library of Congress, for being "culturally, historically or aesthetically important". The same woman whose Born This Way Foundation amassed so many donations, it purchased 35% of Antarctica's land mass, became its own sovereign nation, and made Gaga its supreme ruler. And yet when I asked the trillionaire head of state what she thought her greatest accomplishment was, she said it was her garden without much hesitation. "I grow all the latest varieties. Zuchorns, which are a cross between zucchini and corn, and potonions, a cross between onions and pot. My hybrids can withstand anything." "And my 16 great-grand kids," she added with a proud smile. "I made my grand kids name them all Stefani, even if they were boys. It keeps things simple for an old gal like me." Above: Gaga with a longtime fan at a backstage meet and greet during the GalactiGa Solar System Tour As she poured me another cup of tea, I asked her how her year had been going so far. "Fine," she said, which was by all measures an understatement. 2078 has turned out to be yet another exciting year for the aging Highway Unicorn songstress. Her 29th studio album, the neo-space-trance-influenced GalactiGa, went #1 on all eight planets, and made her the oldest Italian woman to top the Billboard 200. Her critically acclaimed GalactiGa Tour became the second highest-grossing in the solar system, behind 97-year-old Beyonce's I Am...A Senior Citizen. Unfortunately, she was forced to postpone the Venus leg after strong winds on the planet made it unsafe to perform. "My fans didn't take that one particularly well," she told me. I reminded her that she was up for yet another Grammy this year -- her 53rd career nomination, and her 26th award if she won it. "Interesting," she said quizzically, and released a cucumber-scented burp. Above: Gaga with singer Dua Lipa at the 118th Grammy Awards Gaga admitted that she had to take things a little slower as she grew older. Her body simply didn't work like it used to. One thing that would never change, she assured me, was her passion for the issues close to her heart. She recently became an outspoken advocate for robot rights. "A robot should be able to live a free life. Fall in love, get married, have children—what have you, without needing to answer to the whims of human beings", Gaga said, then asked Ármann to go fetch her a box of Oreos. When I asked her what she's looking forward to this year: a performance for King George's 65th birthday at Buckingham Palace, a cover shoot for Arthritis Weekly, a 2-month residency on Neptune, and a speech at the United Nations on personal invitation from President Blue Ivy Carter. "Plus my tenth hip replacement" she joked. "And I'm just getting started." I asked her if there was anything new she wanted to try. "Releasing my projects on time," she said. "Maybe some Jiu-Jitsu" And then, as I took my last sip of tea, I asked her if there was anything she would tell her younger self. "Buckle up, b!tch," she replied, and then frowned at me. "You know, you talk an awful lot for a plumber." ------- A previous version of this article misstated that Gaga had attended Cher's 300th birthday. It was in fact her 3000th. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Addison Rae 16,874 Posted January 4, 2018 Share Posted January 4, 2018 I hate you sitting on his lap sipping diet pepsi Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slayer 9,227 Posted January 4, 2018 Share Posted January 4, 2018 What the ever-loving f*ck? I love judas SO MUCH but I canʹt look like a copycat of JLO!!!! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
bigpinkenergy 1,015 Posted January 4, 2018 Share Posted January 4, 2018 2 minutes ago, PunkTheFunk said: "It's so good to see you again," she said, squeezing my hand. I had never met her in my life. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
kvnrp 48,353 Posted January 4, 2018 Share Posted January 4, 2018 1 minute ago, PunkTheFunk said: "He keeps telling me he wants to get another tattoo of my face. I tell him 'don't be silly, darling, you don't have a body anymore.' And then I threaten to delete him from my cloud drive and make him spend eternity in my recycle bin. It's a lot of fun." This sounds so like Gaga omg 3 minutes ago, PunkTheFunk said: A previous version of this article misstated that Gaga had attended Cher's 300th birthday. It was in fact her 3000th. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Decodekid 28,388 Posted January 4, 2018 Share Posted January 4, 2018 3 minutes ago, PunkTheFunk said: She chats with a holographic version of him regularly, which she jokingly refers to as her 'Born Again Christian.' Black Mirror is QUACKING Long Live Gretchen Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chromatislaps 34,851 Posted January 4, 2018 Share Posted January 4, 2018 3 minutes ago, PunkTheFunk said: When I asked her what she's looking forward to this year: a performance for King George's 65th birthday at Buckingham Palace, a cover shoot for Arthritis Weekly, a 2-month residency on Neptune, and a speech at the United Nations on personal invitation from President Blue Ivy Carter. not Arthritis Weekly Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joemayzin 4,028 Posted January 4, 2018 Share Posted January 4, 2018 lmao I'm legit snowed in my house and so bored so thank you for the read and great laugh Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
weed 74,255 Posted January 4, 2018 Share Posted January 4, 2018 The creativity Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
DiamondAngel 5,044 Posted January 4, 2018 Share Posted January 4, 2018 I was just watching your Oscar-nominated short film "Hitler und LG5" yesterday (which every fan should go watch - a little background on it, it was made after the senile Tony Bennet mistakenly claimed we'd get another Jazz album for his birthday before we got Joanne) and I was wondering when you'd come up with something else. You are I-CON-IC. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karl 3,424 Posted January 4, 2018 Share Posted January 4, 2018 This is fricking superb Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
SlayGagaloo 16,152 Posted January 4, 2018 Share Posted January 4, 2018 8 minutes ago, PunkTheFunk said: Beyonce's I Am...A Senior Citizen. Bitch Over. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
calmar 22,237 Posted January 4, 2018 Share Posted January 4, 2018 Carol Channing doesn't deserve this 俺の勝利は揺るぎない Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moo 2,082 Posted January 4, 2018 Share Posted January 4, 2018 B*tch Don’t make me laugh Not Beyonce topping Gaga even in 2078 The Kardashian Administration though... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
TeenIdle 126,607 Posted January 4, 2018 Share Posted January 4, 2018 'A cucumber-scented burp' x100 𝖓𝖊𝖜 𝖗𝖊𝖑𝖎𝖌𝖎𝖔𝖓 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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