My Bio Mom Called Me Today

[Letmelivemylife 8,715]

My bio mom finally called me after 10 years and in all honesty, it was so awkward. Just trying to find the words to say but not being able to. She finally took the advice I gave her 10 years ago and sought out therapy for all of the demons she dealt with. I just feel like she thinks she can confess what happened to her as a child that damaged her so much it rendered her incaple of an emotional connection with someone and 28 years of emotional turmoil that I went through will just *poof* go away. It's not that easy. I'm glad she took my advice and sought therapy but that doesn't change the fact that she wasn't there when I needed her the most. She's my bio mom and I love her dearly but she just can't waltz into my life and expect me to act like nothing ever happened. I'm so incredibly sorry for the things that happened to her as a child, I really am but that isn't an excuse to emotionally neglect me. I'm in therapy to deal with my own demons stemming from this and as my therapist says "just because someone is your bio mother doesn't mean you will have a "hallmark greeting card" relationship". I swear families like mine are the reason therapists are in business haha

[msisux 2,261]

I'm surprised to hear she reached out to you. It's hard to have a conversation with someone when you have such a rocky past. Was she apologizing for her actions? 

I'm glad she took your advice and getting the help she needs. Hopefully you two can work towards healing your relationship a bit 

[Nicogly 2,579]

wow... heart out for u man... I mean u need time to think about it and breathe. If you feel that a connection can be rebuilt between u and ur bio mom then by all means give it time so that it can be built, because in the future u will be thankful u did so. But u r right, its very complex... good luck! 

[Letmelivemylife 8,715]

Just now, msisux said:

I'm surprised to hear she reached out to you. It's hard to have a conversation with someone when you have such a rocky past. Was she apologizing for her actions? 

I'm glad she took your advice and getting the help she needs. Hopefully you two can work towards healing your relationship a bit 

So many people judged me for walking away 10 years ago but they just don't understand. I was leaving for college and I already had a ton of stuff on my plate and I didn't need someone who wasn't gonna be there for me at 3 am when I was homesick or I just needed to talk. I told her I loved her dearly but until she got the help she needed, I needed to cut off contact for my own sanity. I told her I was willing to resume contact once she got the help she needed. She's my bio mother and I love her but I don't think we'll ever have a "hallmark greeting card" relationship. 

[Letmelivemylife 8,715]

4 minutes ago, Nicogly said:

wow... heart out for u man... I mean u need time to think about it and breathe. If you feel that a connection can be rebuilt between u and ur bio mom then by all means give it time so that it can be built, because in the future u will be thankful u did so. But u r right, its very complex... good luck! 

She's my bio mom and I love her but all of my life I just wanted a mom that baked cookies for the school bake sale and was part of the "parent club" at school. I wanted a mom who came on field trips and watched cartoons with me no matter how many times she's seen them. I wanted a mom to take me shopping for a prom dress and to hold me when I had my first breakup. I wanted a mom who told me "you're perfect baby and I love you to the moon and back". I didn't have those things. My mother wasn't emotionally capable of them. That's why I latched onto gaga and she sorta became my surrogate "mom". She did all of the things my bio mom couldn't. 

[Hades 27,980]

I can't imagine what she or you have been through but i understand that no one should be alone especially when he needs help. It's good that you think of her at least. Hoping for the best. 

[FGGrayson 9,670]

2 minutes ago, Letmelivemylife said:

So many people judged me for walking away 10 years ago but they just don't understand. I was leaving for college and I already had a ton of stuff on my plate and I didn't need someone who wasn't gonna be there for me at 3 am when I was homesick or I just needed to talk. I told her I loved her dearly but until she got the help she needed, I needed to cut off contact for my own sanity. I told her I was willing to resume contact once she got the help she needed. She's my bio mother and I love her but I don't think we'll ever have a "hallmark greeting card" relationship. 

u still dont know about that, step by step, if both are doing therapy who knows if eventually with a lot of time, she may say sorry honestly and maybe you can forgive her and move on, maybe that will set u free too, forgiveness and be able to move on, of course that's not gonna happen right now, but just dont close that door, you both need to heal i guess, i wish u the best honestly, a lot of peace & love, i also think i read something else about your story, u also have a little girl right? how's going with her?

[Nicogly 2,579]

37 minutes ago, Letmelivemylife said:

She's my bio mom and I love her but all of my life I just wanted a mom that baked cookies for the school bake sale and was part of the "parent club" at school. I wanted a mom who came on field trips and watched cartoons with me no matter how many times she's seen them. I wanted a mom to take me shopping for a prom dress and to hold me when I had my first breakup. I wanted a mom who told me "you're perfect baby and I love you to the moon and back". I didn't have those things. My mother wasn't emotionally capable of them. That's why I latched onto gaga and she sorta became my surrogate "mom". She did all of the things my bio mom couldn't. 

I understand. I mean, it would be weird if you didn't feel that way. Its okay to think all of that. I say take your time, its not easy. Whoever raised you could help you, or maybe your closest friends could help you, to pass the time, and then little by little start reconnecting with your mom. At the end, she probably loves you very much and feels horribly for all those years she wasn't with you, so give her a chance to redeem herself, even if there is no way for her to go back in time. You don't have to forgive her, but maybe you can simply reconnect. Again, I wish you luck, because it aint easy. Monsters got ur back!!! 

[Letmelivemylife 8,715]

1 minute ago, frankgutz said:

u still dont know about that, step by step, if both are doing therapy who knows if eventually with a lot of time, she may say sorry honestly and maybe you can forgive her and move on, maybe that will set u free too, forgiveness and be able to move on, of course that's not gonna happen right now, but just dont close that door, you both need to heal i guess, i wish u the best honestly, a lot of peace & love, i also think i read something else about your story, u also have a little girl right? how's going with her?

She's awsome. She's so excited because she gets to be the goblin and wear terrifying masks in the Halloween play she's doing for school. Lol she gets it from me haha. The only way I could get her to sleep as a baby was to play classic horror theme songs on the CD player haha. She's never met my mom and I don't really know how to approach that whole situation 

[Kesha 595]

I wish I knew who my biological parents were so I could know my race my parents won't tell me I'm adopted 

[Lady Palutena 3,147]

I'm sorry to hear this

But you gotta understand that she made the effort to reconnect with you; a lot of times, parents never make any attempt. You're one of the lucky ones.

I'll share with you something very personal, that I rarely do: 

My mother, she used to be a hardcore meth dealer and user. They took me and my siblings away from her and we didn't see her for years, we knew she was alive and we knew she was still using but we held on because we knew that one day, just one day, she would get us back and it took 8 years for her to get us back for good.

I went through many things in that time frame, bullying, eating disorders, sexual abuse, suicide, that list is indicative of something NOBODY should ever go through.

I needed her there but she just couldn't be, not because she didn't love me, she did but she had her own demons to deal with; her mother abandoning her, my father cheating on her and abusing her (she literally would go to bed planning how to murder him), meeting her father (who aplogized for being absent and telling her he loved her) and seeing him die after years of never knowing him, her loving boyfriend leaving her because she chose meth over him. These things all broke her and one day she had enough, she told me later in life that meth makes you feel powerful, pure adrenaline and when you get that high, you want it forever. It makes life seem like a party and less painful.

It took 8 years, and two drug raids on our house. Officers surrounded our home, my siblings were traumatized, probably still are. I was never home when the raids went down. But the final straw that convinced her to get sober was when she got stopped for a broken taillight and her car was searched because the police had been looking for her after the failed drug raids, she had a felony to her name. My older sister described the look she had when the officers put her away, she had a look like "oh no, I'm never going to see my kids again..." I've seen that look on her face, when her boyfriend left her, when she buried her father, and when she appeared in court, we were there and I saw THAT look. We thought, we would never see her again. And I think the final nail in the coffin was that I was sexually assaulted the night the police picked her up. They told her that. I know she feels bad, but I don't hold it against her.

So she got 6 months, not for drugs, but on another warrant for failing to return rented property: a car that my sister and a family friend wrecked in the desert, rented from an auto dealer in town. Thank God it was only for that, the real deal was that she was supposed to do a control buy and the police would catch her red-handed. But something went wrong and she ended up not dealing with the man set up to do it. She ended up leaving and that's when the police stopped her. In prison, she got sober, for us. She loved us. A mother's love is a powerful thing, if it is there. Your mother reaching out proves that she does love you. She took your advice, right? She wanted to get help for both herself, and you. 

Also, nobody has a hallmark greeting card relationship with their family, that is an incredibly convoluted ideal and nobody should strive for it. It is simply, unrealistic. Families do not function that way, we're all different from one another. You're no different from me or anyone else in the world for not having a perfect relationship with your mom. I sure as hell don't, we laugh, we cry, we argue, we say mean things but that is the realness of it. It cannot always be calm, sometimes there is stormy weather and you just gotta stick it out because in the end, she is your mom and she does love you.

And screw what people say, I had to detach from my Father because I hated seeing him as a broken man and a lost drunk, he is still to this day finding himself and that is a journey he has to take on his own. We cannot change other people, they can only change when they want to. All we can do is offer support when we can and show them that we believe in them. Love is, the most powerful thing in this world. 

[FGGrayson 9,670]

Just now, Letmelivemylife said:

She's awsome. She's so excited because she gets to be the goblin and wear terrifying masks in the Halloween play she's doing for school. Lol she gets it from me haha. The only way I could get her to sleep as a baby was to play classic horror theme songs on the CD player haha. She's never met my mom and I don't really know how to approach that whole situation 

hahahaha that's awesome, me as a horror films lover approve that lmfao

about her meeting your mom just give it time, you will know when the time is gonna be right, rn you dont have to worry about that, maybe when she grow up a lil bit more so she can be able to understand the whole thing, maybe by that time ur mom if keeps with the therapist can open a lil bit more and you wont have to feel anxiety for the interaction, idk... this kind of things take time

i had kinda the same childhood, my mom was always working because my dad was never there in home, so me as a boy really never knew **** about boys, but whatever, my mom was always there so... but for me my dad is kinda a stranger for me, but now that im a bit oder, idk, i guess i respect him and i learned to appreciate some things about him, idk if i love him, idk, i do sometimes call him dad and at least we talk and he helps me sometimes, but its not like a normal dad-son relationship lmfao, the point is that at least im not bitter about that anymore, and.. im kinda proud of myself cuz the man i am rn and the things i am rn its because of me, so.. u should also see that point and feel proud & happy about yourself, the loving mom, the strong woman, the things u know, the things u have accomplished it's because of you, so i guess u're kinda strong even when u feel weak or whatever, u should know that u're a warrior and you dont need to carry past sins of someone else who couldnt or didnt knew how to give love or have a child

[Jepsie 237]

You should try rebuilding your relationship but make it really clear to her how the situation is. baby steps

[Letmelivemylife 8,715]

6 minutes ago, Jepsie said:

You should try rebuilding your relationship but make it really clear to her how the situation is. baby steps

Yeah it's gonna take a long time to rebuild everything. My mom has never met my daughter so I'm kinda nervous about that. She hasn't met my oldest sisters 4 kids or her husband. She didn't get to see my little sister leave for college. A lot to catch up on

[Letmelivemylife 8,715]

11 minutes ago, frankgutz said:

hahahaha that's awesome, me as a horror films lover approve that lmfao

about her meeting your mom just give it time, you will know when the time is gonna be right, rn you dont have to worry about that, maybe when she grow up a lil bit more so she can be able to understand the whole thing, maybe by that time ur mom if keeps with the therapist can open a lil bit more and you wont have to feel anxiety for the interaction, idk... this kind of things take time

i had kinda the same childhood, my mom was always working because my dad was never there in home, so me as a boy really never knew **** about boys, but whatever, my mom was always there so... but for me my dad is kinda a stranger for me, but now that im a bit oder, idk, i guess i respect him and i learned to appreciate some things about him, idk if i love him, idk, i do sometimes call him dad and at least we talk and he helps me sometimes, but its not like a normal dad-son relationship lmfao, the point is that at least im not bitter about that anymore, and.. im kinda proud of myself cuz the man i am rn and the things i am rn its because of me, so.. u should also see that point and feel proud & happy about yourself, the loving mom, the strong woman, the things u know, the things u have accomplished it's because of you, so i guess u're kinda strong even when u feel weak or whatever, u should know that u're a warrior and you dont need to carry past sins of someone else who couldnt or didnt knew how to give love or have a child

Yeah same with my dad. We worked a lot so my sisters and I only really saw him on major holidays. My mom hasn't met my oldest sisters 4 kids or her husband. She didn't get to see my little sister leave for college. A lot to catch up on.